Let me say something that’s going to upset a lot of people: Carrie Bradshaw was the villain of her own love story.
Not Mr. Big. Not his “commitment issues.” Not his supposed “emotional unavailability” or whatever pop psychology label you want to slap on him. Carrie was her own worst enemy, and for six seasons we watched her destroy herself over a man who was actually pretty clear about what he wanted—and what he didn’t.
And before you come for me, let me be crystal clear: Mr. Big was not a narcissist. He was not abusive. His “attachment style” is not why their relationship was a disaster.
The problem was always Carrie. And it’s time we talked about why.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Mr. Big
Here’s what actually happened with Big: He was a successful, emotionally mature man who knew what he wanted. Sometimes that included Carrie. Often it didn’t. And you know what? That’s allowed. He was honest about not wanting marriage at first. He told her he needed space. He moved on when it wasn’t working.
Was he perfect? No. Did he play games? Sometimes. But let’s be real—he was dealing with a woman who showed up at his office unannounced, called him obsessively, created drama at every turn, and made his commitment fears a self-fulfilling prophecy with her desperate, clingy behavior.
Big’s real crime? He didn’t love Carrie the way she wanted to be loved. And instead of accepting that and walking away with dignity, she spent years trying to change him, manipulate him, guilt him, and essentially wear him down into being someone he wasn’t.
That’s not romance. That’s pathology.
Carrie: The Woman Who Had Everything Except Self-Respect
Let’s list what Carrie had going for her:
- Stunning looks
- A successful career as a columnist
- Incredible friends who showed up for her constantly
- Wit, intelligence, creativity
- Financial stability (somehow, despite those shoes)
- Opportunities with other men who actually wanted her
So why was she a mess?
Because having external advantages means nothing when you don’t respect yourself. Carrie’s entire identity was wrapped up in being wanted by a man who was ambivalent about her. She had no centre. No sense of self outside of her romantic relationships. No boundaries.
She was pretty, yes—but beauty without self-respect is just decoration. It might attract men, but it won’t keep them, and it certainly won’t make them respect you.
Let’s Talk About Her Actual Behaviour
Remember when Big married Natasha and Carrie’s response was to… start an affair with him?
Not to move on with dignity. Not to recognize that his marriage to someone else was the clearest possible signal that he didn’t want her. No—she snuck around, lied, destroyed another woman’s marriage, and then had the audacity to play victim when Natasha confronted her.
And that moment when she heard Big was getting divorced? She was elated. Genuinely happy that someone else’s marriage was falling apart because it meant she might get another chance. That’s not love—that’s obsession. That’s someone with so little self-worth that another woman’s pain registers as personal opportunity.
Let’s look at more of her greatest hits:
She called him obsessively. Left pathetic voicemails. Showed up uninvited. Created scenes in public. This isn’t “anxious attachment”—this is a grown woman acting like a teenager who can’t regulate her emotions.
She made everything about her. When Big needed space, she took it personally. When he wasn’t ready for marriage, she made it about her worth. She couldn’t accept that his timeline and needs were different from hers—everything had to be interpreted through the lens of “does he love me enough?”
She lived in fantasy. Carrie spent more time talking about Big, analysing Big, writing about Big, and crying over Big than she spent actually building a life for herself. She wasn’t living in reality—she was living in her head, in some romanticized version of what their relationship could be if only he would change.
She was clingy and too much. Constantly needing reassurance. Constantly creating drama. Constantly pushing for more, faster, deeper—without ever asking if he even wanted that, or if she was ready for it herself.
The Natasha Comparison: What Self-Respect Actually Looks Like
Now let’s talk about Natasha.
Natasha didn’t get much screen time, but every moment she was on screen, she radiated something Carrie never had: self-respect.
When Natasha discovered the affair, she didn’t beg Big to stay. She didn’t make a scene. She didn’t try to compete with Carrie or win him back. She left. With her dignity intact. Because she knew her worth, and her worth didn’t include staying with a man who betrayed her.
Even in that painful confrontation with Carrie at the restaurant, Natasha was composed. She looked Carrie in the eye and said what needed to be said, then walked away. No hysterics. No manipulation. Just a woman who knew she deserved better.
That’s the difference.
Natasha didn’t have to be the coolest, the funniest, the most interesting. She just had to respect herself. And that self-respect made her more attractive, more powerful, and ultimately more at peace than Carrie ever was, despite all of Carrie’s supposed advantages.
Natasha chose herself. Carrie chose chaos.
Why Self-Respect Matters More Than Everything Else
Here’s the brutal truth women need to hear: Your worth is determined by how you treat yourself and what you allow.
Not by how pretty you are. Not by how successful you are. Not by how many friends you have or how witty you can be at brunch.
If you don’t respect yourself—if you tolerate being treated as an option, if you accept breadcrumbs, if you chase men who are clearly not choosing you—none of those other advantages matter. You’ll still end up like Carrie: pretty, successful, surrounded by friends, and absolutely miserable.
Because you’ll be giving your power away to someone who doesn’t value it.
Carrie’s Real Problem: She Never Grew Up
At her core, Carrie was a child. An intelligent, creative, beautiful child—but a child nonetheless.
She wanted fairy tales. She wanted grand gestures. She wanted someone to complete her, to give her life meaning, to be her everything. She couldn’t sit with discomfort. She couldn’t accept reality. She couldn’t choose herself over her obsession with being chosen.
Real adult women don’t do this. Real adult women know that:
- A man’s ambivalence is not a challenge to overcome—it’s information to act on
- Being “chosen” by someone who doesn’t truly want you is not a win
- You can’t manipulate or guilt someone into loving you the way you want
- Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is walk away
- Your happiness cannot depend on another person’s feelings toward you
Carrie never learned any of this. And that’s why, even when she “got” Big in the end, it felt hollow. Because she didn’t get him from a place of self-respect—she got him from a place of finally wearing him down.
What You Should Actually Learn From Carrie
If you see yourself in Carrie—if you’ve ever been the woman who chased, who made excuses, who tolerated ambivalence, who made a man your entire world—this is your wake-up call.
You can have everything going for you and still lose at love if you don’t respect yourself.
You can be beautiful and brilliant and kind, and still end up miserable if you don’t have boundaries.
You can blame “his issues” all you want, but at the end of the day, you’re the one choosing to stay.
Stop waiting for men to give you what you won’t give yourself: respect, dignity, priority, peace.
Stop romanticizing dysfunction and calling it complicated.
Stop being Carrie.
Be Natasha instead. Know your worth. Walk away when someone shows you they don’t value you. Choose yourself, always, even when it hurts.
Because the truth is this: The Carries of the world get the drama. The Natashas get the peace.
Which one do you want to be?
Leave a Reply